I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
