And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
