When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize