"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
They are going to name an STD after you.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize