Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
