i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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