i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
