Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
