I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
