Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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