My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
