I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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