Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
