Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
