i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think I won the penis lottery.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
