Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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