I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize