his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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