just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
bring money and cleavage
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
