The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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