I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
