Your face is a jimmy john
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
