I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
