I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
