my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
