Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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