Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
