I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
