I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
last night I used snow as a chaser
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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