The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
