just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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