I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
