you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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