halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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