I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
