She is in my trunk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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