Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
