The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
babies were throwing up all over the place
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
