Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
