the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
