I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
