All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
