All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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