Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
