I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i am craving dick and cupcakes
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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