6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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