I'm eating all of the evidence.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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