I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Randomize
