at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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