Swine flu. Run for my life!
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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