This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
that's an acceptable place to lick
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
