threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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