i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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