Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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