Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
