so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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