I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
