Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
