im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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