also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
