my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
