that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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