I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
